Help!

Hi! This is Schatze! I'm starving! I haven't eaten anything in 3 hours! Kevin was here all night and they wouldn't let him feed me! I was so happy to see Kevin because I love him! But he wouldn't give me biscuits! Mommy and Daddy only gave me 1 biscuit last night! And so far I have only eaten 5 times today! I've tried barking incessantly, but they keep taking me outside and telling me to "do my business!" I don't have to go, I have to eat! Now! So, if you can, please come over and bring me food! I'll eat anything! Kibbles! Biscuits! Carrots! Popcorn! Grapes! Candy! Oh wait, I remember Daisy dropped a piece of candy and I got it! I think I got her finger too! Bring me french fries, burgers, hot dog buns, and salami sandwiches! They don't give me people food any more! So I'm counting on you to save me! Rowf!